"La La La La La La La," I'm Putting my Fingers in my Ear, Yet I Can Still Freakin' Hear Ya'

I wish that I never knew that Anna Nicole Smith existed, or that she had a baby, or that she died, or that her two "boyfriends" or whatever they are appear to be the skeeziest type of people on the planet. I mean, they actually slept with that woman. Not in her Playboy prime, but after the old man and the drugs and at the point where she had allowed herself to become a pathetic albeit wealthy joke.

Skeezy.

But I do, but whenever I turn on the TV, or read the Features section of the paper, or browse the Internet, I find I can't avoid yet another chapter in this gross saga. And to up the ante on tawdriness, Rita Cosby is involved in this one. On my list of television media persons I dislike, Cosby is a notch lower than Pat O'Brien, but still above the loathsome Nancy Grace.

And the worse part of all this is Larry Burkhead is from Louisville, met Smith in Louisville around Derby, and therefore the local media consider these sordid affairs a story with a local angle.

Blech. Wish it would all just go away.

A Manly Man's Toilet

I love my new house, and the neighborhood in which I live. I love my back yard, I love the pizza pub next door, and I love the fact that my commute to work is half of what it was before.

But I do not love my toilet, for it is one of those low-volume water-saving girly toilets that takes two flushes anytime you go number two. I need a man's toilet, dammit. One that could suck down a summer squash if I wanted it to. One that gives a mighty KA-whoooosh!! when the handle is pushed. One that makes the plunger I currently have by the john practically useless.

I need a Ferguson.

A Quote Reinforcing My Skepticism

"Why should I make the data available to you, when your aim is to try and find something wrong with it?" ~ Phil Jones, of the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia

Someone had requested to go over his research proporting global warming.

To which I respond with another quote, this from Temple of Doom.

"You cheat, Dr. Jones!! You cheat!!" ~ Short Round

I thought scientists were supposed to encourage others to do exactly that, to try to find something wrong with it. Silly me.

This Changes Everything

Over at RealClearPolitics, comes this news. If this California ballot measure succeeds, then the entire strategy of winning presidential elections changes. From the site:

"A ballot initiative in California would award electoral votes in the same manner as Maine and Nebraska. The difference: President Bush won 22 of California's 53 congressional districts in 2000 and 2004. If the initiative passes, it could take 20 electoral votes from what is now one-fifth of a winning Democrat's strategy to get to 270."

"The poll shows 47% of the state supporting the idea, while 35% support a winner-take-all method. Democrats are split, while independents and Republicans go heavily for the district-by-district method."

If California follows Maine and Nebraska, I guessing most states would also soon after, and the entire way that candidates run for the presidency would change. But not before '08.

The Ketucky State Fair: Cows

Some of the best blogging I think I have ever done was last year's posts on the Kentucky State Fair. Unfortunately I no longer get to work the fair, but I went this past Sunday.

I went to the fair with the girlfriend, and one of her friends, and we has just finished eating. They ate a fish sandwich, while I had a lambburger.

"Little lamb, little lamb, who ate thee?"

I did, and you were delicious.

Then we went to check the animals. We went and saw the bunnies, and the goats, and then we went to check out the cattle. I'm walking about appreciatively, commenting on my lack of knowledge of some of the rarer breeds, and making statements like, "Look at the bag on that Holstein," when the girlfriend goes, "Ooh, we're getting out of here, now!"

"Okay," I think. "Whatever." Then after a few steps I turn around to see what is going on and I see a cowgirl with plastic glove on all the way up to her shoulder, standing behind a cow.

In goes the hand, past the elbow, up the cow's butt. The cow just stands there in shock. The girlfriend is freaking out. I'm laughing.

They're just checking to see if the cow is pregnant is all.

On the Release of a Potential Political Assasin

Arthur Bremer, the man who tried to assassinate Gov. George Wallace during Wallace's run for the Democratic presidential nomination (eventually won by George McGovern) back in 1972 is scheduled for release later this year.

He was sentenced for 53 years for the shooting that wounded Wallace, and some innocent bystanders in the crowd near his target, but he is getting out on good behavior.

George Wallace was a racist. He was a demagogue. He was, in Bremer's own recent words according to the story, "a segregationist dinosaur."

There are monsters in this country who kill dozens of innocent victims in a wretched manner to get their perverted sexual kicks. While horrific those atrocities, in the grand scheme of things they pale in damage done to a democratic society to that of political assassination. Wallace was a victim of someone trying to employ the one man veto. The veto of the bullet.

Ignore the politics of the man, and simply concern yourself with the fact that he was a politician, and maybe you can see my point.

On a small scale, I believe that a potential political assassin should get life with no chance of release, and that a successful one gets put on the express lane to ol' Smokey. But that's just me.

One a larger scale, what worries me are the words of some of the folks who cannot see the big picture of the dangers of political assassination, typified by some of the first few comments I read of folks commenting to the linked article.

Odd... Seriously, Just... Odd

Absurdity in Kentucky politics just hit a new high, or low -- whatever.

The campaign of Gov. Fletcher produced a photoshopped picture of his opponent Steve Beshear (D) looking like a casino lounge lizard in a flier attacking Beshear's position on potential casinos in the state. The photoshop in question.

While I think most intelligent people would see this as a doctored photo, I could see where a few dum-dums would think this a real picture of the candidate. (Unfortunately, a lot of dum-dums vote.) Democrats can claim legitimate outrage on this one: it was a punch below the belt.

So the situation as this stands is seedy.

The Courier-Journal, the Democratic paper in town, responded on its editorial page, which is nothing out of the ordinary... normally. They posted the flier in question, then they printed this text next to it, which I am quoting in full.

"This doctored photograph isn't the only thing that's dishonest about this ad from the Fletcher re-election campaign. Could Gov. Fletcher explain, for example, how a local casino will make women get abortions? This fabricated photo is a new low for Kentucky politics.

"So we put it to you, the reader, to come up with something even more outrageous. One-up the Fletcher campaign by sending The Courier-Journal the most shameful, doctored gubernatorial campaign ad you can think of. The best will be featured in Forum."

"Just remember, facts are meaningless! If you have the wherewithal to do it yourself, e-mail your ad, ideally in jpeg format, to Adam de Jong at adejong@courier-journal.com. Otherwise, send us a letter describing your idea for an ad."

*****

I do not know what to say.

"This fabricated photo is a new low for Kentucky politics." It may have been, until the C-J launched this contest. I don't know.

The gubernatorial race for Kentucky just passed the seedy -- the mud-slinging stage -- and has now descended into the scatological.

Problems I have, in bullet form, since there are so many its hard to organize them all.

~ The largest paper in the commonwealth is now encouraging the citizenry to create "the most shameful, doctored gubernatorial campaign ad you can think of." Why? How does this help explain the issues? How does this elect better officials?

~ "Just remember, facts are meaningless!" I know this sentence is meant to be ironic, but it is a double-edged irony. The best irony is meant to be based in truth.

~ Photoshopping, like computing in general, is a skill more likely to be mastered by the young, often the teenager whose tendencies to engage in gross immaturity such as this should be condemned, not encouraged by a supposed elite and intellectual editorial board.

~ Is this sad contest open only to Beshear supporters? Will the C-J refuse to allow photoshops from Fletcher supporters? Has any reputable editorial board, no matter its political affiliation, ever refused to allow submissions to its editorial page (letters or in this cases photoshops) from those whom it disagrees with? For that is what it may do.

~ If this paper ever prints one of those editorials lamenting the level of political discourse, it will be pathetic. They've forever lost that right after this stunt.

~ They are supposed to be better than this.

~ How far is too far? If the C-J gets a photoshop of a candidate engaging in bestiality, isn't that simply "the most shameful, doctored gubernatorial campaign ad" someone thought of? Will editorial board members feel shame that they in someway encouraged such a creation.

~ As pure political tactics, this fails. If they has simply said shame shame shame along with the ad, they could have completely taken the high road and made the Fletcher campaign look like a bunch of schmucks. Instead, more inflammatory photoshops could energize a deflated and demoralized state GOP into sudden reunification after the divisive primary it just had. Just out of spite. Just out of a sense of FU.

~ Again, this in no way helps to select the best man for Kentucky, nor does it help the state consider the best ideas for itself. This is simply third-grade name calling.

*****

Did state Republicans start this? Yes, they sure did. They deserve a lot of condemnation for that. There will plenty of people happy to heap it on them.

And the C-J responded by acting like that type of jerk Little League dad who instructs his son to bean a batter who made a taunting remark earlier in the game instead of simply playing and trying to win.

I know this makes me sound old, but I hope no kids are watching. I hope that from now until election day, there is a blanket apathy among the youth of Kentucky when it comes to politics. A threshold has been crossed, and two political parties, with its supporters, are about to utterly disgrace themselves in a manner not suitable for viewing by children.

Makes us bloggers look quite civil in comparison.

Bastardizing the Bard

They used to bowderlize the Bard because people thought students were too innocent to read the plays of Shakespeare.

Now schools in the UK are going to simplify him because they think students are too dumb.

An example:

The original:
Macbeth: "If we should fail?"
Lady Macbeth: "We fail! But screw your courage to the sticking place, And we'll not fail."

The new:
Macbeth: "What if we fail?"
Lady Macbeth: "We won't fail."

I know something that's failing....

Save The Delta Queen. Plus Some Local Media Cowardice

Every year in Louisville, right before Derby, is The Great Steamboat Race. This race is between the oldest working true steamboat in the world, The Belle of Louisville, and one of its few remaining sisters, The Delta Queen out of Cincinnatti. This race means a lot to this town, for it has been run every year since 1963, and is part of our Derby tradition. Heck, they even give out a trophy, The Golden Antlers, to the winner.

It truly is a fun unique thing we do every year.

Bob Krumm has a good post on the threat faced by the Delta Queen, a relic of a time when folks such as Mark Twain would cruise the Mississippi and its grand tributaries, the Ohio and the Missouri, shipping goods and customers across a young growing land. True Americana.

Bob goes into detail how it is being in a way scuttled over petty unionism politics by Senator Inhouye of Hawaii (D) by being denied an exemption she has always had before for the past 40 years. This ticky-tack special interest politics is by extension ending a beloved generations-long Louisville tradition.

Since this does have a local angle, the local paper, The Louisville Courier-Journal, had an article on the threat to the Delta Queen. The article goes into the fire standard exemption, and how Democrats are now concerned for the first time in 40 years about fire safety on the craft and such... but you know what they don't mention?

No mention of Inhouye. No mention of union politics. Nothing.

Complete silence.

The liberal Courier-Journal, which not once in the twentieth century gave anybody but a Democrat an endorsement in a Gubernatorial or Presidential race, manages to leave out of its reporting that Democratic special interest union politics are the main threat to a treasured Louisville tradition.

It is one thing when you read of media bias. It is quite another when you discover an example for yourself of your own.

But what is truly shameful and cowardly in this example is that this has nothing to do with liberal bias. This is the local paper ignoring an important angle on a major local story over tawdry partisan bias.

That is so much worse.

Bluegrass Pigskin Ain't Supposed to be This Good

Mel Kiper Jr has his list of top five senior quarterbacks. #1 is Brian Brohn, while #2 is Andre' Woodson. Brohm plays for Louisville, while Woodson plays for Kentucky.

Ought to be a good season.

Warning: A Post Easily Containing the Highest "Ick Factor" in Digital Nicotine History

During a slow period at work I'm reading Velocity, which is kind of an alt-weekly lite put out by Gannett here in town, and I came across the sex advice column.

A guy asks: "My girlfriend refuses to have sex when she is having her period. She says she doesn't want to "do that" to me, but periods just don't scare me.... How can I get my girlfriend to loosen up a bit?"

The columnist, "a sex researcher/educator in Bloomington, Ind., with a Ph.D. in public health," answers:

"Sadly, it seems your girlfriend has bought into the idea that periods are gross, and that a women's genitals are unattractive during menstruation. Reassure her that you find her, her body, her genitals and her sexuality exciting and beautiful regardless of the time of the month, and eventually she might accept and feel better about her body."

"That's not a guarantee -- and it likely won't happen overnight -- as our culture has done too good of a job making women feel bad about their bodies."

I'm posting on this because I just absolutely love talking about menstruation. [/sarcasm]

Look, I love the female body. Really love it. [/lech] And in all seriousness, I can have an honest conversation about all the stuff that goes on with feminine hygiene without getting in the least bit squeamish.

My problem with this "sex researcher/educator's" answer is that she assumes the right to determine what all women out there in the world should consider icky. If a woman does not feel comfortable having intercourse while Aunt Flo is in town, that seems like a reasonable determination to make -- and to respect.

Some readers probably have no problem with sex during menstruation. I can respect that too.

But to take this reasoning to the extreme (Warning!! Warning!! Exponential Increase in Ick Factor Coming...) what if the guy is into going down on a girl during her period? Does this change the columnist's answer and reasoning? If a woman is against menstrual oral sex, should she be told that she is simply uncomfortable with her body and her genitals and that it is all society's fault?

This columnist is turning on its head a general stereotype about shame and female sexuality. The old general stereotype was that a woman who enjoyed sex was loose, and had something wrong with her that should be looked down on. This new attitude is an inversion: a woman who does not like to engage in a particular sex act is now the one with something wrong to be looked down upon.

What arrogance.

Let the woman decide what she does and does not like in bed, and tell the freakin' boyfriend to freakin' respect her choice.

PS: Boy, that last sentence makes me sound like a feminist.

PS II: Alternate Title to Post: Are You There God? It's Me, Lee.

A Quick Peeve

Duets with dead people annoy the heck out of me.

You Have Been Served. But Not in a Teen Flick About Urban Dancing Sort of Way

Answered the phone at work today. "Thank you for calling [company name], Lee speaking, how can I help you?"

"Yes, I need to speak to the store manager."

"You're talking to him."

"Really, can I have your last name?"

It is at this point that my interest was piqued. Often if there is some sort of problem, folks will want to speak to the store manager. But this is the first person who actually asked me to spell my last name. I knew he was writing it down, and that things would get interesting soon enough.
So after we both made sure he had the correct spelling of the last name of the manager of this particular store (because my last name can be tricky) I felt I could skip the preliminaries and get right to the point.

"May I ask what is wrong, sir?"

The mattress he received was defective -- which was an anomaly because this was the first mattress of this particular model I've ever had a warranty issue on -- and he called our service department and they sent a technician out who confirmed the mattress was defective, and told him that we would shortly allow him to reselect a mattress.

This process can take two to three weeks: from intial complaint, to inspection, to the retailer contacting the manufacturer, to the manufacturer compensating the retailer, to the retailer contacting the customer to tell him he now has a credit for a new mattress.

This was taking too long for this customer, who he said he was fed up and that he had been contacting our service department nearly everyday but that our service department was putting him off or stonewalling him.

While possible, this is unlikely because they have to put in their paperwork to the manufacturer, and then wait for the reply, which can take some days Our service department essentially ends up playing a game of hurry-up-and-wait.

So this guys tells me, "And since you are the store manager, you are responsible, and if I am not satisfied by tomorrow, I'm off work tomorrow and I will go to small claims court and your company and you personally will be served papers. I run a small business, I know how to do this."

And I am smiling. Because I know my bosses. If he is merely threatening a lawsuit to try to expediate his warranty process, they will play along and console him, and tell him they are so sorry, and they will apologize and tell him they will do their best to get this fixed up pronto, and get him pacified.

But if he actually follows through, and sues me (BTW: this is the first that the guy actually called me to tell me there was any sort of problem) they will get basement-scene-from-Pulp-Fiction ferocious on this guy.

So I email the service department and tell them to please call some guy threatening a lawsuit. And I call my boss to tell him that someone's threating to serve papers against his company and against one of his employees. He tells me to email him the whole story, and shortly he emails me back and tells me that the guy was on schedule and that he would have received his store credit information in two or three days anyway, and that nobody was at fault. "I'll follow up on this," he wrote.

Meaning for me not to worry. Hee. Try to threaten me some more, you jackass.

I call the girlfriend driving home from work. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"Somebody threatened to sue me. How cool is that?"

"What happened?"

I tell her the story, and towards the end of the conversation I say, "You know what? I think I'll post about this. I'm kinda amused by all this."

Note to Self

Do not comment on other people's blogs after having attended a wedding reception with a free bar.

It's not so much what you say (or type), but how you say (or type) it.

With All Due Apologies to Johnny, Joey, Tommy, and Dee Dee

When I arrived at the airport to fly down to Florida, I was not aware that there was a heightened terror alert. I hadn't flown in a while, and I was not up to date on what was and was not permissible. This proved horribly embarrasing.

I felt I had to write a song about it to get through my emotions.

I went away for a holiday,
Said I'm goin to F.L.A.
But it never got there, it never got there, it never got there
My toothpaste

I went away for a holiday,
Said I'm goin to F.L.A.
But it never got there, it never got there, it never got there
My toothpaste

(chorus)

The TSA took my toothpaste away.
They took it away, away from me
The TSA took my toothpaste away.
They took it away, away from me.

I dunno where my Colgate can be.
They took it from me, they took it from me.
I dunno where my Colgate can be.
They took it from me, they took it from me.

Yeah yeah yeah
Oh oh oh oh-- oh oh
Oh oh oh oh-- oh oh

Based on a true story. Had to but a new tube down in Florida.

Welcome to Miami (Bienvenido a Miami)

I had to rescedule that trip I won for winning that big poker tournament. Instead of Vegas, I had to switch to Miami. I'll be gone until Monday, with all the details. Have a good weekend.

Time For Another All Night Session With Mr. Hand, This One on Irony

"CARACAS, Venezuela (Aug. 3) - Sean Penn applauded President Hugo Chavez as the Venezuelan leader lambasted the Bush administration and demanded an end to war in Iraq.

Chavez met privately with the 46-year-old actor for two hours Thursday, praising him as being "brave" for urging Americans to impeach President Bush."

*****

Is Sean Penn brave? If he had called Chavez out on his silencing of dissident speech then he may be. Heck, if had done so away from cameras in a private room I would give him some credit, though I doubt he did.

Because you see, the reason that a television station in Venezuela is being shut down is because they are doing exactly the same thing to Chavez what Penn is doing to Bush. They are criticizing their leadership.

And Penn is applauding their oppressor.

A Pleasant Surprise

If you don't know, I sell mattresses for a living. Not what I wanted to do when I grew up, but it is surprisingly lucrative. Not "big-pimping spending G's" lucrative, but "just bought a starter house" lucrative, and I'm definitely okay with that for now while I consider options down the road.

I have been working with a customer who bought a Temperpedic mattress off me -- one of those fancy Swedish foam mattresses you pay $1800 for. This woman's boxspring, when delivered, was completely scraped up on one side. Apparently one of the delivery guys was in a pissy mood and was not helping the other delivery guy carry the box, and that is how the box got so scraped. She was completely underwhelmed with the service, and I can't say I blame her.

But when the delivery guy effs up, it is the salesman who gets the unexpected tongue-lashing over the phone. It sucks.

This customer called me to tell me about it. She was annoyed, she was firm, but she was civil,which is much more than most of my customers who find themselves in similar situations. We set up another delivery to replace the scraped up box with a new box.

When the new box was delivered, it was found to have a rip in the fabric. Nobody's fault on this one, for it is often hard to find such a rip when a piece of bedding is wrapped in the manufacturer's plastic. Normally not a big deal, except this was the second time we gave her a faulty box.

I got a second call. Annoyed, firm, but civil.

At this point, to prevent her from totally bad-mouthing the company, and me, I told her I'd give her two free Temperpedic pillows of her choice as compensation for her troubles. This cost me a not drastic, but significant, chunk of commission on the sale. Temperpedic pillows can cost up to $150 a piece.

Is third time a charm? Nope. This box has a big rip in it as well.

I get the call.

Annoyed, firm, but civil.

I hang up. No one is in the store. So I proceed to cuss like a sailor who just got kicked in the nuts. I am furious and my forehead and cheeks are red with spastic anger. I am working with a customer who spent, after tax, just shy of two grand with the company, and by extension me, and we need four tries to get the damn delivery right.

I've never had a sale require more than two, let alone three deliveries, and this one takes four, on a high-ticket luxury item!

But she comes in today to pick up those two free pillows I offered to her as compensation for her trouble. And she is smiles, and she says to me, "I know you weren't the one who screwed up, and I know that both you and I are the ones who have had to deal with the mistakes made by others. I hope I wasn't too rude to you."

Then she gives me a tomato out of her garden. A big, ripe, crimson monster of a tomato that is sitting right here next to me by my mouse as I type this.

A tomato. A small gesture to let know that all is simpatico -- and it almost hits me in the gut with its honest simplicity and sincerity after all that turmoil.

A humble red tomato.

Attention Women, Oprah.com Might be Pulling Your Leg

In an advice column that has to be read more than once to fully appreciate the patronization of both sexes involved, Oprah.com (I found it from CNN.com, not intentionally looking for it, no jokes please) has tips for women concerning "How to get through to a man."

My favorite part:

Don't ask him to do a specific task ("Fix the drip in the shower") but to be in charge of solving the problem ("The leak in the shower is driving me crazy"). Offer to help him ("Tell me what tools you need, and I'll go get them for you"). Men love to show women their tools.

Men love to show women their tools?

Hah!

Sharpening the Knives for the Messenger

"How much longer should American troops keep fighting and dying to build a new Iraq while Iraqi leaders fail to do their part? And how much longer can we wear down our forces in this mission? These haunting questions underscore the reality that the surge cannot go on forever. But there is enough good happening on the battlefields of Iraq today that Congress should plan on sustaining the effort at least into 2008."

That concluding paragraph was written by Michael E. O'Hanlon and Kenneth M. Pollack of the moderately liberal Brookings Institute, and appeared July 30 on the editorial page of the NY Times. It is a grim, but surprising optimistic analysis on Iraq from folks who can hardly be called neo-cons or Bush supporters.

The title of the piece, by the way: "A War We Just Might Win."

Therefore is it any surprise that within days of the publication of the above analysis, which is not candy-coated by any means, that NY Times columnist Frank Rich and blogger Arianna Huffington both write columns nearly identical in tone condemning a man who may give a similar report -- but one much more prominent -- before Congress in September: Gen. Petraeus.

It's almost as if a red flag went up with that publication and a memo was sent out: Ready the knives!

I don't know if the surge will work. I don't know if we will win. Even if we do, it won't be a moment for triumphalism for the GOP or Bush supporters. Way too many unforced errors; way too many dead. But it would be good for both Iraq and America if there is some sort of success.

If the surge appears to be working, as O'Hanlon and Pollack now suggest, then we should stay. Especially since by the time of Petraeus's report we should have a better idea if this progress is only a temporary positive blip, or a consistent trend.

Two Predictions

#1. The month of August will be one of constant criticism from the left of Petraeus. Many more columns similar to those of Rich and Huffington will appear.

#2. Their attempts to kill the messenger will not matter. If no progress is made despite the surge, that will be clear. If progress is made due to the surge, that will be clear as well. Too many voices such as O'Hanlon and Pollack will be judging the accuracy of the message itself.